- wanezrqweblogging -

somehow today i felt like writing in things that occured in real life to me. a number of thinking topics that i considered sometimes to be too ‘heavy‘ for the general public consumption could be quite a handful. so now im back to tell a story of a recent activity i joined that successfully put me in ‘overheated‘ mode and end up sick all week long (around five days to be exact).

introduction on K.K.A.A. :

..which is actually stands for ‘Kem Kecemerlangan Akademik & Akhlak‘. it is a student run project that involves orphans from across the country(actually this time they were from a few states) where were brought here(to (our)second college) to be, let me say, ‘brainwashed’ by us to push them to go that extra mile in achieving their goals.

my description:

it was a struggling task just to stay in a KKAA project. i was initially assigned to be one of the committee members which means that i am somehow ‘bonded’ to the group. and somehow i managed to get myself the ‘miscellaneous bureau’ (a.k.a ttk). generally speaking it is the only division that have no real strings attached; which the project manager thinks suits best for me as he knew how unwilling i am to do a task i lack interest in. at first.

okay. being responsible for a team of 5 underlings(which i dont actually give orders to) is quite a challenge as for there’s nothing to be discussed about. the project have been going on since early first semester, with members looking for sponsors, venues, participants and all, while the 6 of us just hold on to our ‘titles’ as members. im not saying that im complaining or anything, its just that i dont want them to feel bored having nothing to do in meetings. so thats where the lame jokes and cheers kick in; just to pinch in a little semangat in every one of us.

smart plan1.

after numeruous weeks of nothingness, then came the big day. the big week actually. first there was this ’smart plan’; a sub project run by the committee to raise some money to support the main project. it is a one day motivation camp for standard six pupils to study hard for their upcoming UPSR. konon nak suro diorg blaja smpi masuk um la..hmm. its cool all in all. tina from ttk was the smart plan manager.  and now i got to work under her directions as a registration counter receptionist / cashier / food distributer / water re-arrange-er for the day along together with k zah, k erin, k yat, lan, laili, ojul, tina herself, hamdan, asrul, luq n afew others i probably forgot to mention here. it was very tiring but had a blast time hanging out all day with these guys. smart plan runs on saturday, 10 feb.

kkaa 10 prep days.

honestly the moment ive been longing for was the second asrul (kkaa 10 p/manager) announced that the bsg room is open for gerak kerja puposes. i like the environment where some of us sit together in a room, completing things that should be completed while borak2 n minum hot drinks that laili made to aid us in staying up late. but at the first few earlier days, only a few of us stayed in the room, namely k syadot, k posh n sometimes ma’e would also be there. maybe they havent got that mood yet. luckily somehow approaching the end more and more members keep inhabiting the bsg room until all the reserved pillows were used and we literally went out of space to lay down either on the (sick)matress/tikar gulung/floor. it was a good thing tho, only it would be nicer if time would flow much slower for us..

the first day was a nightmare. i was appointed to be incharge of the registration(again)(which was overtaken by azmi by accident) with safuan and faiz and izat, while the name tag and gimmicks work still pending which i am the sole soul to be blamed for if anything goes wrong. luckily k erin n k zah helped with the tags and the gimmick thing got a hand from jimmy. from all this i got a fever packaged together with cough and flu. just glad the first day is over.

the second day i woke up around 11.45am, the day which i was supposed to follow a group of kids to visit putrajaya. obviously i missed the bus. but as i was about to get back to sleep, k shadot called and offered a ride to putrajaya, just to singgah n take a peek at what they were doing. plus, they need to get pictures from the visit. so we went. took pictures. and went back to college.

day three got nothing to offer us as most of the children’s activities revolve around talks and ceramah. only in the morning there was an aerobics conducted by the committee. but again, because i woke up at 11am again, i missed this one too. and in the evening, we get to marah2 the budak2, just to prepare them for the crying session later that night. end of day three.

the last day i managed to wake up in the morning(8.00am) for i am assigned to be at a checkpoint of AKAR(an activity where the children goes for a sightseeing around UM) at 7.15am.  i think Allah’s trying to help me by delaying those kids to depart late from the college. i somehow got to the checkpoint on time. and thanks to azie, mun, jup, (and another girl whom im not sure wut her name was..if ur reading this, sorry), the AKAR programme went well. note that our checkpoint was the starting point for boys and the finishing point for girls. great job guys. then again i was put in charge of the checking out counter, together with faiz. and we managed to get things settled before the girls do. hurrayh to us guys~~ owh and then the girls sent me to get some ropes and i totally forgotten all about it. sorry ye..hehe. then comes the closing where mr. uncle just have to give a speech for 2hours..(grrrr~)

however, somewhere in the middle of the closing ceremony, i was forced to retreat back home for a bigger agenda awaits me. it was great that this year i joined this project officially. i get more responsibilities, more interactions between more people, meet and get to know more about my friends and of course, not forgetting the children i (hopefully) helped to maybe shine the light of hope and will to be and do better in life.

well, dats all for this post! tata~

thanks for the comments. they made me want to keep on continuing writing for free here(although i think most of them are worthless at times..)..enabling my messed-up thoughts to go around for some to somehow get a glimpse of minor things i’d like to make a big deal about.

and yes folks; here goes another one.

situation.

i believe that the sky is blue; belief. i supposed i was born not to score well in this course; assumption. i think you need to put in more sugar in that banana shake; theory. i know that you are hiding something from me; fact. i suck at engineering that involves calculations; truth.

question.

whats the difference between the 5 above might we ask here? i dont know. why do some of us, as normal beings, chose to believe facts rather than believing the truth? are facts created from what we believe? do we have the facts to prove this? sorry. let me rewrite. do we have the truth to support the facts that we believe in? how do we approve a truth as a truth? do we verify our assumptions from observations and believe them and then call it something that is true? isnt something that we belived in is considered as a fact? and is the fact is the truth? then why do we believe in something that is not considered as the true truth? why, oh why? ..and unfortunately, the cycle of questions starts over. with me having no answers. to any of them.

actually, the truth is i’d like to write more for i’ve loads of questions and examples up in this (believed to be) serabut mind of mine, its just that after re-editing and doing some other filtering on a few facts, then all that’s left is something short, and hopefully just enough for this blog’s readers to get my point (a theory).

.. just a silly question that i have here.. so like always, answers or comments are openly welcomed. kalo xde pun xpe; i just felt like pouring them here for a while..need to spare some space for education purposes. again.

have a nice day. daa~

this should be short.

**then intro music starts - aya hirano, "god knows.."**

i think it is about time to pull the plug on the crap series already. by the way, the posts are supposed to be something like a journal or a piece of thought about a little something that happened during the past break that i felt like sharing. heck that was sooo long ago. plus after considering some facts, i’ve decided that it may be better to just keep some of the memories to myself.

including some of those thoughts that i’ve forgetten too(aiya..).

so whatever i’ve posted here in this series(wow, i’ve my own series now.. gile ah!!) and re-read them again myself, i hope you readers out there had fun(if not pening kepala) pondering with whatever nonsense i’ve put up here. i know its all crappy and merapu, but hey - i’m on my way to accomplish my main goal; trying to decipher this life little by little, in my own way(eventhough from every post i write, there will surface a new question that i’ll end up creating another question for that question.. whatever that means, huh~). and loads loads loads of thanks to you guys who kept those inspiring comments coming that got me to continue writing this blog. thank you so much.

plus i bet more of you out there are already starting to get bored with this crap series anyway.

and nothing more to be said. end of crap.

p/s: this title is kinda like my fav so far.. huhuu~~

**before**

actually, i did do something before diving myself into explora last semester break. the first thing i did right after i finished my last final paper was going online to download some of the latest price list of computer components from lowyatt’s webpage. i was determined for i have decided. i knew that i had made a promise to myself. and here i am-with the latest addition to the family of craps that i own; a brand new desktop.

..and i mean a desktop. without the new keyboards and mouse. and no monitors.

going all pumped-up to get a custom built computer, i indulged myself into the happy luscious land of extremity when i kinda went overboard on buying the ‘perfect‘ machine for myself. and to cut the story short, i was forced to settle with just the cpu alone after i somehow managed to get myself to forget to allocate a few bucks for these other necessary items. really necessary items..

like always, "where there’s a will, there’s a way". and obviously having no concrete will, how on earth could there be a way..

i have been planning on buying myself a computer for a long time already. with the money ready. and a green light from my parents for me to get one. but the thought of that the prices of electronic gadgetry are drastically decreasing due to the fast-paced technology evolving around us, i kept saying to myself, "..alah, nanti2 harge turun, bole beli yang lagi ‘power‘, pakai la laptop dulu..". and so nothing is done until lately the cooling fan in my notebook went spinning all over the place inside the cramped little space going *ktekktekktekktekktek*(it got too hot for that pro-e i guess..).

**after**

at first i was thinking about writing something here to get ideas to name my new machine here(hey, a good toy definitely needs a name..). my previous notebook was named ‘tatari‘ which means ‘curse’(i guess). so i declared this new one with *blank* together with the asterisks, as a temporary name until eventually the best name comes up. but come to think about it, how could i define something so subjective to be ‘the best‘? are there any specific criterias in a name that i could use to evaluate it with points or percentage for scores? could i be satisfied with the chosen name? what happens if i happened to think of another better name after i named it with one? and this is the topic that i’d like to blurt out here to you who’s willing to read on..

okay, something physical can be defined as either perfect or not. or cripple maybe. but is perfect really that good? is perfect alone is enough? is/are there something out there that’s better than perfect? people often make perfect to sound so.. perfect. does the title perfect on a something have duration of acceptance or an expiry date perhaps? can a perfect thing be better? is it good that perfect cannot be better? but if perfect can be better, then why is it entitled to be perfect in the first place? what is perfect actually? is perfect, perfect? do we need perfection? with these questions asked, why do people still prefer perfect things? equally is the sempurna is in bahasa melayu, though it sounds so much better to me, of course when we forget the fact that the both are just the same thing.

now i’m making perfect seemed like nothing more than a worthless adjective.

i’m guessing that by now most of you blog readers are thinking, "..apebende la budak ni pk, buat susah hidup je mrepek..".

maybe i am making life difficult.

maybe not. for from this derivation of continuous worthless thinking, i came to a conclusion that led to my drastic change of view of everything lately. everything. sounds rather silly but i used to think that perfect is the ultimate goal for anything. so i’ll eventually end up punishing myself by being miserable for not achieving my impossible targets until i’m done getting over it over time.

to explain this new phenomenon i’m currently focusing, take my new computer for example; a first i was expecting that i would be able to assemble together a pc capable of handling my robust gaming requirements while also fit for the graphically demanding media editing works i’m doing throughout this degree course of mine(not to mention the ‘free freelancing’ work i’m doing..). but however i’ve decided to have it customized to be able to handle future upgrades, or in other words, the whole set will never be complete but due to time, it’ll grow step by step into a better box of binary.

and to me thats where the beauty of everything lies; the imperfections that we all have in us as individuals that differentiate a single person among others. yep. beauty exists through imperfections that are easily recognizable by others. it makes them special. a something that makes me, me, and you, you. think of it like a beautiful artwork thats purposedly not finalized, but happens to take shape barely to be recognizable to be understood by those few who puts the effort to look up real close. tak payah carik contoh jauh2 la..; "..berdiri sama tinggi, duduk sama rendah.." they say. berdiri; yeah, i can do that. but sama tinggi?? with school children i can la..and a some girls around my age maybe. heck some of them are even much taller than me already. everytime i take a look at pictures of me together with friends and peers alike, i somehow noticed the awkward-ness of how it looks, and then i’ll go review the facts by myself and go "..yes, ezariq, sometimes people do want perfection.. and nothing else". and as always, i can do nothing about it when for who am i to judge.. and hey, maybe they do need the perfections they seek. who knows?

keep your worries fellas. for i, will only be like this once in a while and will get back on my feet when after a minute or two just to have a moment of reflection on myself. well, it is a mess that i always put myself into. so i’ll manage. but dont restrain any of those jokes in the form of words/thoughts of annoyance you guys have for me as i always think of any actions made towards a person as a form of medium to maintain the bonds between the people around us. plus they are fun to be with most of the times. and i know the fact that there are still some of those out here who are able to see through this mini-me of a taller myself living in a distant galaxy somewhere. think positively and things will go fine..i guess. =)

..and a loud applause to you who made it this far throughout this post which returns nothing profittable to neither you nor me myself.

~~adios & muchasgracias to all~~

a few days after returning home from the trip(refer to post ‘crap#1′), i sat at my favourite ‘any pose also can’ couch in front of the telly, watching something on cable tv. then comes in my mom from the kitchen(i guess) whilst saying this; "..alamak, mama terlupe la ade surat untuk a*i*(name is withheld for safety purposes)..nah.". and she handed over to me a small green envelope.

realising that my mother was kinda like waiting for me to open the letter(she buat2 duduk skali tgk tv but actually i noticed that she jeling-ed at me a few times), i acted like i am more interested in the show on tv than uncovering the content of the mail by putting it aside for a while. and after a while she retreats to the kitchen and without turning back she said, "..ade kad dalam tu..".

uishh! berderau darah aku kejap. so it is confirmed. she was waiting. and now i guess that i have been suspected of having a girlfriend behind her back or something.. ayarkk~

continuing my little ignorance towards the letter, i eventually forgot about it until right before going to sleep. thus proceeding to the next day. and a few other next(s).. =p

fastforwarding till the minute i found the mail(by accident!), i checked right and left before opening the letter. on the back was a complete address written in japanese and a name printed sticker holding the envelope flip(is that what they call it?) in place. opening the little green envelope unravels a slightly smaller green card of nicely decorated background together with two four-leaf clover tea bags sticked up front. owh. and some short messages like the ones in point form i used to write on raya cards back in primary school. the card was from a friend of mine from back in high school; a bigger fan of manU fc compared to most guys out there and currently doing engineering in japan. aisha si merah.

to aisha : thanx for the card!

to everyone reading : well, actually i am not intended to exaggerate things too much for such a simple thing, maybe to some of you it is. to me it is not. it never was trivial at all. for i am a person who appreciates things.

and after reading the card and putting it back in, i sat down, again in my favourite couch, thinking of how nice that there are still some people in this world who still uses the snail mail, leaving aside the long list of other means of communication that are far far far more faster and more easier(not to mention how cheap it costs us) to send and recieve these days. it is that unknown factor that drives the excitement into you when recieving a physical token that so many have forgotten of. take the raya festive for example; most of us with cellphones just opt for the ’send to many’ function to send greetings. we send more to get more ‘unique’ messages, just to know which one sounds better. and some of us just forward a fancy message we got from someone else’s forwarded message. and after a few hours, we’ll end up with a few same messages, while forced to delete the overflowing inbox messages that keeps coming like crazy. and others just use friendster and yahoo messenger to wish.

okay. through technology we can win in quantity. we can reach more by giving less. but how about the quality of the work? where’s the personality in it? that special touch we use when we write while thinking about the sendee..?? alang2 i’m not celebrating raya like i used to, last year i’ve decided not to start any card sending for a while, as an experiment - and in return no mail for me the whole 2 months of puasa n raya, besides those few i get by hand which i am happy for from roommates, and a handful of friends.

having to delete some messages just in order to free one slot for incoming sms is just too hard for me. because i dont like it. and it hurts my fingers too. that is the problem of it. virtual informations cannot be kept under your pillow or in the cupboard. sms-es are meant to be a short message, not an actual greeting card. imagine if text-messaging were made available back then in the zaman kesultanan melaka days, and the sultans exchange fancy sms-es to retain the relationship between tanah malaya and china..how on earth would they exhibit the ‘gifts’ at the museum??

forget that little joke of mine. you guys get my point.

so how do you guys put this? do anyone of you still use the post box? and stamps? u know.. those little stickers u lick to stick it on the upper corner of a letter..

i remembered a friend i once send a few letters to..waayyy back then in the school days..but somehow we stopped half way..i wonder why..owh, i forgot. we turned to cellphones.

anyone still use letters to say hi to friends? open comments. =)

routines. and responsibilies. then back to routines.

example; a guy working 9-5 in an office, talks to only his colleagues, goes back home and prepare for tomorrow’s work. in short; predictable + boring.

yep. people never have any interest in boredom.

and as always, i tend to do things to satisfy this dry skull of mine; i joined xplora, together with the juniors as an ‘intern’.

(**note:xplora is one of the many(3x) 2nd college’s activities/projects, but is the only one without those common faces we get to see in all other projects. im not saying that it bothers me or anything..maybe i just feel like a change somewhere. a breeze of fresh air maybe. new group means new people means new influences(??). and so now this, to me, is different**)

i am, an observer. i observe subjects, and anything else that i could relate it to. i make my own assumptions, wait for things to happen, make a wild conclusion, and then keep it to myself until proven guilty. from this i sometimes get the funny vibe like i can almost predict possibilities or outcomes of the many actions made by different characters in different situations.

.enough analyzing.

so the actual point i was trying to say was that xplora reminded me of how i used to be back in my school days, except that now i’m better at making the best of things, i think. xplora. mostly consisting of people who i assume dont ever give a damned about other projects in the college, the group have the one thing i wanted most in any group projects, and may i say the main point for me to join the group itself. and that thing is, my friends, is having fun.

xplora have this soothing environment that gets me in the mood to take everything easily and just enjoy the moment as they come. we all did. and i do mean we took things too easily.

for example, no official anything for anyone, except only for kak nadot for it almost seems like she’s the one handling all the leceh jobs. kudos to her for that. it is not that nobody’s doing anything, it is just that as matured grown ups, we know (at least) some of the do’s and dont’s in the arena of working as a team. and we proved to be those who gets the tasks settled (or something like that) in time without any harsh dictatorship from anybody, and i loved it 176.8%, for in a flock of uncontrollable teenagers, work could still be done while we enjoy the moments together, without the gaduh2, without dendam kesumats, without the ngumpat2, and definitely without any complicated misunderstanding between members over some silly childish matter that (which i hate to admit) exists in some other groups i know of..**personal opinion talking**.

surviving the harsh environment in a deep jungle (and knee-deep mud) with barely enough food and supplies, the dependency between members are vital. not to mention the super strong cold winds that snapped a few tali raphia (is that how they spell it?) blew our main fly sheet flapping and making noise, just like the national flag at dataran merdeka all night long, leaving some of us who was ’stranded’ outside struggling to keep ourselves alive that night. it was something like in the pirates or sailing movies where rough winds plus the pouring rain trying to sink the ship, only in this story, we’re on top of a mountain peak. and without a ship. plus i was freezing cold too.
talking about the temperature, only at the peak that i realized i left my one and only thick pants (hey..i wear shorts for hiking..what do you think? plus was bare-footed up there) on the bus assuming that my sweater would be enough where it was accidentally left inside my car back at the college. luckily that was a 3/4 shorts, and my favourite one too! so there i go, hiking climbing camping and waking up late talking nonsense with nabil(which was overheard by others pretending to sleep) wearing shorts. did i forgot to mention that i have a sleeping bag? sounds comfort and warm, huh? well, i ‘coccooned’ myself in one-just to wet my feet in the soaking sleeping bag. it bertakung like a plastic bag-perigi in there..! lucky me..;)
owh, and the mud in and around the scratches on my feet took almost the whole month’s holiday to go away.

so now i’m most definite to looking forward for the next xplora gathering and not to miss next year’s explora.

ever since i put up the counter for site visits to this blog, the numbers kept on adding up(duhh..xkan nak bkurang plak,kan). but recently the number just shot up to about 20 more visits in this cuti time alone. maybe i’ve dissapointed some who do read this blog.

semester break for me this time with no extra activities means no staying at college. which equals to no free access to UM_WiFi_Kol. and which then limits me my internet usage for about a month. leaving my blogging activity silently suspended.

but worry not my peers!

now here i am. not on um wifi tho. got myself back online at home =p

and to these few days, just be warned that i am going to redeem some posts mendadak-ly of my stories on explora, my short trips, dejavu, a new pc, and some other tall tales that i’ll eventually end up writing.

owh ~ and um, any comments on my writings are openly welcomed anytime..!!

~daa~

fuuhhhh~~

yes, people, i am spending my time writing this in the middle of a final exam week.

hurm..my last weblog entry was before raya dat day..i’ve paused myself from writing worthless junk here on the internet, for the standard excuse because of the finals coming(at the time)..and now its here.!! i mean right now-i’m in a middle of a 6-final papers spanning nearly 3 weeks..am done with three papers already(which all refused to show any mercy), and now at a 5 day break before the next paper starts. i mean, both semesters before, my papers are all in a straight row thus leaving no gap at all between them, and now i have the opportunity of doing revision the night before exam as i am a critical study-it-all last-minute person. heheh~

now for my web log update:

the assignment before raya really sucks up to the max - it kept on pending until after the raya. meaning i raya together with that annoying assignnment (whereas all assignments are annoying during break season) without having much to do about as i have to wait and wait and wait..so lets just say its a ‘waiting assignment’. its a group assignment, so a few others are in mine, well, atleast they joined in..near the due date that is. not to say that it is anyone’s fault, heck, nobody’s perfect. everyone did their job. but frankly saying, working in a team reveals how a person really is like, both inside out. glad there’s still time to do some testing before the final year’s project. until then, it’s all about trial & error on searching for better teamplayer..or maybe i’m just expecting too much out of everything. so avoid me if you can.

‘the melancholy of haruhi suzumiya’ - not an interesting topic, but this one i’d really like to share with you people here. the given phrase is a title of an april 2006-released anime, of which not until a while back i got my hands on and recently finished the whole season(14ep). the story’s about a girl who’s wants and desires are to effect the creation of the whole world, which works like a wish, only that she is the only one from the clubmembers who does not notice this ability of hers. basically, thats all to it. but after am done with the series, i was kinda urged to get the OST’s and eventually got on the net exploring more infos. then i started promoting it around. even to those who do’nt exactly do anime (sori heid!! =p). and in the end i end up amused and captivated by the character itself (and also the voice-over actress; she’s a unique one herself =D), ending her (the anime character) on my desktop wallpaper(s), all 4 songs being shuffled & repeated endlessly on my winamp playlist(?!!), and me wondering the existance of such a beautiful character anywhere near me..*sigh*

on raya - i did’nt do much on the eve as it is another raya gitu-gitu again for me, only the difference this year is that i am accompanied by the waiting assignment for the whole week of raya where most other malays spend visiting each others and eat and borak their hearts out. enough being said.

on my latest three papers - to nobody’s astonishment i still cannot answer my papers like i used to, at least not like i did back then in asasi days. below are the worthless details :-
1) the first paper was tamadun islam&asia (titas #2); all the x-titas #2 candidates told us to do the past years, hafal the answers for a conformed A+ grade; and when the day came, many answers were left blank. i tried peeking all 180degrees but still pointless. no one knew the answers. ‘coz the examination board of UM had a whole new set of questions for us. so the rest of the time the heavy air in the hall was filled with the countless silent shootings using various types of firearms by those who depended solemnly on past year papers..
2) 2nd on list was fundamentals of electric engineering; i’ve tried some past year papers(again) which seniors and lecturers said are good practice, i did some, and none of which are considerably victorious. when i was put to face the real thing, lets just say that almost 87.43% of us agreed that it was no where near the par of ‘easiness’ of last year’s. so what happened to me? i took the time i had to impress myself on the powerful air-conditioning they had installed..brrrrr~
3) the latest; fundamentals of basic manufacturing - literally having 22hours right after we’re done with the electric paper, i used approximately about 25.547% of the remaining time reading whichever chapters i can get my hands on. and those few are right before the paper starts. again with my sigh. *sigh*

so thats about it. thanks for stopping by my blog. my qada’-ed blog for the past three weeks. now that i’ve reviewed it, it looked kinda long..very, very long. hah, hambek ko..panjang gileee..!!! but hey, baca at your own risk, ok..?? =)
p/s: kudos to all; you=reading, me=writing, nagaru tanigawa & noizi ito=creating, and aya hirano for her 9.5 over 10 perfect voice..

~cheers~

hmm..just finished the last episode of ‘the melancholy of haruhi suzumiya’(highly recomended to those anime fans out there) last friday, right after berbuka puasa with frens from back at pasum days..also kinda calmed myself down a little. got myself someone to show me my ‘it’ again..after so long. and luckily now am trying to get over things one at a time.

first thing’s first : settle my never-ending que of assignments. now that its down to only one, i can hope to focus and finish it before raya comes. speaking of raya, to tell the truth, i’m not much of a raya eve person myself..well, atleast not lately. and i’m not going to bring it up here why or how. period.

okay. then after the pending works, i need to start and begin my semester long studies of every single subject which as most can say i ‘missed’ the whole time; that is a lot of studying to do.. *sigh~*

now that some of you are reading this, i’d like to wish the default raya greetings to all, together with the maaf zahir batin thingy..

( warning : if you’re not the busy-body type of person that you are denying to be, then leave this blog post alone. seriously.)

..lost.

oftenly disoriented. out of focus. lost in own space. being judgemental. emotionally unstable. sceptic. improperly unorganized. for these few months as a student living the ‘menara gading’ life malaysian-style, i lived a lie. a big one. wearing a fake smile everyday, from the moment of waking up right to the second of shutting my eyes for each and every day could be very tiresome, sometimes.

all this while, the whole past three semesters, the moment i set foot in this so-called varsity life, tho with all the stuff & equipments i’ve brought along, i felt like there’s something is missing, like a missing link that holds my sanity in place; making me feel like i am not prepared to face the whole world staring right at me. yet at the time i still went on with the flow, doing things as they were aught to be, eventhough not knowing what the missing ‘thing‘ was.

from then on i kept on continuing everyday knowing that none of the days i woke up in the morning(maybe sometimes in the afternoon =p) as a complete me, and still not even a single clue of what the ‘thing’ i miss was.

no doubt that ‘it’ was missing. i just know it. ‘it’ used to cheer me everytime ‘it’ is there. the ‘thing’ that helped me go through the 5years in boarding school. ‘it’ kept me my sanity. ‘it’ nurtured me. fed me with nearly all that life has to offer. ‘it’ made me feel like i am needed. created a feel that i wanted to go through life. ‘it’ helped me grow into a person. a real one. well, at least ‘it’ did, back then.

..found.

not until recently though, i just realized what ‘it’ was. without this ‘it’ i lost myself. without ‘it’ i fake myself to be someone else. without ‘it’ i silently lost my sanity. (in my alasan) which in return flunk my finals. and with bad results came the heavy pressures in every single form. those which i tend to unconsiously slap the tension back at others unintentionally, slowly driving people away from me.

..lost. again.

and to add to my continuous grief, knowing what the missing ‘thing’ comes together with the fact that ‘it’ is at a state of being gone forever(if not for a long time), never again to reappear in this lifetime. at least not for me that is. for things must go on in life. and i can’t run away from that.

but maybe someday it’ll be back. and i hope it will. i guess.

and i am not sure what i’m writing here. i guess. again. ignore.

*sigh~*