- wanezrqweblogging -

this should be short.

**then intro music starts - aya hirano, "god knows.."**

i think it is about time to pull the plug on the crap series already. by the way, the posts are supposed to be something like a journal or a piece of thought about a little something that happened during the past break that i felt like sharing. heck that was sooo long ago. plus after considering some facts, i’ve decided that it may be better to just keep some of the memories to myself.

including some of those thoughts that i’ve forgetten too(aiya..).

so whatever i’ve posted here in this series(wow, i’ve my own series now.. gile ah!!) and re-read them again myself, i hope you readers out there had fun(if not pening kepala) pondering with whatever nonsense i’ve put up here. i know its all crappy and merapu, but hey - i’m on my way to accomplish my main goal; trying to decipher this life little by little, in my own way(eventhough from every post i write, there will surface a new question that i’ll end up creating another question for that question.. whatever that means, huh~). and loads loads loads of thanks to you guys who kept those inspiring comments coming that got me to continue writing this blog. thank you so much.

plus i bet more of you out there are already starting to get bored with this crap series anyway.

and nothing more to be said. end of crap.

p/s: this title is kinda like my fav so far.. huhuu~~

**before**

actually, i did do something before diving myself into explora last semester break. the first thing i did right after i finished my last final paper was going online to download some of the latest price list of computer components from lowyatt’s webpage. i was determined for i have decided. i knew that i had made a promise to myself. and here i am-with the latest addition to the family of craps that i own; a brand new desktop.

..and i mean a desktop. without the new keyboards and mouse. and no monitors.

going all pumped-up to get a custom built computer, i indulged myself into the happy luscious land of extremity when i kinda went overboard on buying the ‘perfect‘ machine for myself. and to cut the story short, i was forced to settle with just the cpu alone after i somehow managed to get myself to forget to allocate a few bucks for these other necessary items. really necessary items..

like always, "where there’s a will, there’s a way". and obviously having no concrete will, how on earth could there be a way..

i have been planning on buying myself a computer for a long time already. with the money ready. and a green light from my parents for me to get one. but the thought of that the prices of electronic gadgetry are drastically decreasing due to the fast-paced technology evolving around us, i kept saying to myself, "..alah, nanti2 harge turun, bole beli yang lagi ‘power‘, pakai la laptop dulu..". and so nothing is done until lately the cooling fan in my notebook went spinning all over the place inside the cramped little space going *ktekktekktekktekktek*(it got too hot for that pro-e i guess..).

**after**

at first i was thinking about writing something here to get ideas to name my new machine here(hey, a good toy definitely needs a name..). my previous notebook was named ‘tatari‘ which means ‘curse’(i guess). so i declared this new one with *blank* together with the asterisks, as a temporary name until eventually the best name comes up. but come to think about it, how could i define something so subjective to be ‘the best‘? are there any specific criterias in a name that i could use to evaluate it with points or percentage for scores? could i be satisfied with the chosen name? what happens if i happened to think of another better name after i named it with one? and this is the topic that i’d like to blurt out here to you who’s willing to read on..

okay, something physical can be defined as either perfect or not. or cripple maybe. but is perfect really that good? is perfect alone is enough? is/are there something out there that’s better than perfect? people often make perfect to sound so.. perfect. does the title perfect on a something have duration of acceptance or an expiry date perhaps? can a perfect thing be better? is it good that perfect cannot be better? but if perfect can be better, then why is it entitled to be perfect in the first place? what is perfect actually? is perfect, perfect? do we need perfection? with these questions asked, why do people still prefer perfect things? equally is the sempurna is in bahasa melayu, though it sounds so much better to me, of course when we forget the fact that the both are just the same thing.

now i’m making perfect seemed like nothing more than a worthless adjective.

i’m guessing that by now most of you blog readers are thinking, "..apebende la budak ni pk, buat susah hidup je mrepek..".

maybe i am making life difficult.

maybe not. for from this derivation of continuous worthless thinking, i came to a conclusion that led to my drastic change of view of everything lately. everything. sounds rather silly but i used to think that perfect is the ultimate goal for anything. so i’ll eventually end up punishing myself by being miserable for not achieving my impossible targets until i’m done getting over it over time.

to explain this new phenomenon i’m currently focusing, take my new computer for example; a first i was expecting that i would be able to assemble together a pc capable of handling my robust gaming requirements while also fit for the graphically demanding media editing works i’m doing throughout this degree course of mine(not to mention the ‘free freelancing’ work i’m doing..). but however i’ve decided to have it customized to be able to handle future upgrades, or in other words, the whole set will never be complete but due to time, it’ll grow step by step into a better box of binary.

and to me thats where the beauty of everything lies; the imperfections that we all have in us as individuals that differentiate a single person among others. yep. beauty exists through imperfections that are easily recognizable by others. it makes them special. a something that makes me, me, and you, you. think of it like a beautiful artwork thats purposedly not finalized, but happens to take shape barely to be recognizable to be understood by those few who puts the effort to look up real close. tak payah carik contoh jauh2 la..; "..berdiri sama tinggi, duduk sama rendah.." they say. berdiri; yeah, i can do that. but sama tinggi?? with school children i can la..and a some girls around my age maybe. heck some of them are even much taller than me already. everytime i take a look at pictures of me together with friends and peers alike, i somehow noticed the awkward-ness of how it looks, and then i’ll go review the facts by myself and go "..yes, ezariq, sometimes people do want perfection.. and nothing else". and as always, i can do nothing about it when for who am i to judge.. and hey, maybe they do need the perfections they seek. who knows?

keep your worries fellas. for i, will only be like this once in a while and will get back on my feet when after a minute or two just to have a moment of reflection on myself. well, it is a mess that i always put myself into. so i’ll manage. but dont restrain any of those jokes in the form of words/thoughts of annoyance you guys have for me as i always think of any actions made towards a person as a form of medium to maintain the bonds between the people around us. plus they are fun to be with most of the times. and i know the fact that there are still some of those out here who are able to see through this mini-me of a taller myself living in a distant galaxy somewhere. think positively and things will go fine..i guess. =)

..and a loud applause to you who made it this far throughout this post which returns nothing profittable to neither you nor me myself.

~~adios & muchasgracias to all~~

a few days after returning home from the trip(refer to post ‘crap#1′), i sat at my favourite ‘any pose also can’ couch in front of the telly, watching something on cable tv. then comes in my mom from the kitchen(i guess) whilst saying this; "..alamak, mama terlupe la ade surat untuk a*i*(name is withheld for safety purposes)..nah.". and she handed over to me a small green envelope.

realising that my mother was kinda like waiting for me to open the letter(she buat2 duduk skali tgk tv but actually i noticed that she jeling-ed at me a few times), i acted like i am more interested in the show on tv than uncovering the content of the mail by putting it aside for a while. and after a while she retreats to the kitchen and without turning back she said, "..ade kad dalam tu..".

uishh! berderau darah aku kejap. so it is confirmed. she was waiting. and now i guess that i have been suspected of having a girlfriend behind her back or something.. ayarkk~

continuing my little ignorance towards the letter, i eventually forgot about it until right before going to sleep. thus proceeding to the next day. and a few other next(s).. =p

fastforwarding till the minute i found the mail(by accident!), i checked right and left before opening the letter. on the back was a complete address written in japanese and a name printed sticker holding the envelope flip(is that what they call it?) in place. opening the little green envelope unravels a slightly smaller green card of nicely decorated background together with two four-leaf clover tea bags sticked up front. owh. and some short messages like the ones in point form i used to write on raya cards back in primary school. the card was from a friend of mine from back in high school; a bigger fan of manU fc compared to most guys out there and currently doing engineering in japan. aisha si merah.

to aisha : thanx for the card!

to everyone reading : well, actually i am not intended to exaggerate things too much for such a simple thing, maybe to some of you it is. to me it is not. it never was trivial at all. for i am a person who appreciates things.

and after reading the card and putting it back in, i sat down, again in my favourite couch, thinking of how nice that there are still some people in this world who still uses the snail mail, leaving aside the long list of other means of communication that are far far far more faster and more easier(not to mention how cheap it costs us) to send and recieve these days. it is that unknown factor that drives the excitement into you when recieving a physical token that so many have forgotten of. take the raya festive for example; most of us with cellphones just opt for the ’send to many’ function to send greetings. we send more to get more ‘unique’ messages, just to know which one sounds better. and some of us just forward a fancy message we got from someone else’s forwarded message. and after a few hours, we’ll end up with a few same messages, while forced to delete the overflowing inbox messages that keeps coming like crazy. and others just use friendster and yahoo messenger to wish.

okay. through technology we can win in quantity. we can reach more by giving less. but how about the quality of the work? where’s the personality in it? that special touch we use when we write while thinking about the sendee..?? alang2 i’m not celebrating raya like i used to, last year i’ve decided not to start any card sending for a while, as an experiment - and in return no mail for me the whole 2 months of puasa n raya, besides those few i get by hand which i am happy for from roommates, and a handful of friends.

having to delete some messages just in order to free one slot for incoming sms is just too hard for me. because i dont like it. and it hurts my fingers too. that is the problem of it. virtual informations cannot be kept under your pillow or in the cupboard. sms-es are meant to be a short message, not an actual greeting card. imagine if text-messaging were made available back then in the zaman kesultanan melaka days, and the sultans exchange fancy sms-es to retain the relationship between tanah malaya and china..how on earth would they exhibit the ‘gifts’ at the museum??

forget that little joke of mine. you guys get my point.

so how do you guys put this? do anyone of you still use the post box? and stamps? u know.. those little stickers u lick to stick it on the upper corner of a letter..

i remembered a friend i once send a few letters to..waayyy back then in the school days..but somehow we stopped half way..i wonder why..owh, i forgot. we turned to cellphones.

anyone still use letters to say hi to friends? open comments. =)

routines. and responsibilies. then back to routines.

example; a guy working 9-5 in an office, talks to only his colleagues, goes back home and prepare for tomorrow’s work. in short; predictable + boring.

yep. people never have any interest in boredom.

and as always, i tend to do things to satisfy this dry skull of mine; i joined xplora, together with the juniors as an ‘intern’.

(**note:xplora is one of the many(3x) 2nd college’s activities/projects, but is the only one without those common faces we get to see in all other projects. im not saying that it bothers me or anything..maybe i just feel like a change somewhere. a breeze of fresh air maybe. new group means new people means new influences(??). and so now this, to me, is different**)

i am, an observer. i observe subjects, and anything else that i could relate it to. i make my own assumptions, wait for things to happen, make a wild conclusion, and then keep it to myself until proven guilty. from this i sometimes get the funny vibe like i can almost predict possibilities or outcomes of the many actions made by different characters in different situations.

.enough analyzing.

so the actual point i was trying to say was that xplora reminded me of how i used to be back in my school days, except that now i’m better at making the best of things, i think. xplora. mostly consisting of people who i assume dont ever give a damned about other projects in the college, the group have the one thing i wanted most in any group projects, and may i say the main point for me to join the group itself. and that thing is, my friends, is having fun.

xplora have this soothing environment that gets me in the mood to take everything easily and just enjoy the moment as they come. we all did. and i do mean we took things too easily.

for example, no official anything for anyone, except only for kak nadot for it almost seems like she’s the one handling all the leceh jobs. kudos to her for that. it is not that nobody’s doing anything, it is just that as matured grown ups, we know (at least) some of the do’s and dont’s in the arena of working as a team. and we proved to be those who gets the tasks settled (or something like that) in time without any harsh dictatorship from anybody, and i loved it 176.8%, for in a flock of uncontrollable teenagers, work could still be done while we enjoy the moments together, without the gaduh2, without dendam kesumats, without the ngumpat2, and definitely without any complicated misunderstanding between members over some silly childish matter that (which i hate to admit) exists in some other groups i know of..**personal opinion talking**.

surviving the harsh environment in a deep jungle (and knee-deep mud) with barely enough food and supplies, the dependency between members are vital. not to mention the super strong cold winds that snapped a few tali raphia (is that how they spell it?) blew our main fly sheet flapping and making noise, just like the national flag at dataran merdeka all night long, leaving some of us who was ’stranded’ outside struggling to keep ourselves alive that night. it was something like in the pirates or sailing movies where rough winds plus the pouring rain trying to sink the ship, only in this story, we’re on top of a mountain peak. and without a ship. plus i was freezing cold too.
talking about the temperature, only at the peak that i realized i left my one and only thick pants (hey..i wear shorts for hiking..what do you think? plus was bare-footed up there) on the bus assuming that my sweater would be enough where it was accidentally left inside my car back at the college. luckily that was a 3/4 shorts, and my favourite one too! so there i go, hiking climbing camping and waking up late talking nonsense with nabil(which was overheard by others pretending to sleep) wearing shorts. did i forgot to mention that i have a sleeping bag? sounds comfort and warm, huh? well, i ‘coccooned’ myself in one-just to wet my feet in the soaking sleeping bag. it bertakung like a plastic bag-perigi in there..! lucky me..;)
owh, and the mud in and around the scratches on my feet took almost the whole month’s holiday to go away.

so now i’m most definite to looking forward for the next xplora gathering and not to miss next year’s explora.